


the scars we bear

by karasunotsubasa



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Character Death, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Medical Procedures, Mental Instability, Minor Character Death, just grandpa and grandma, kind of???, probably also, so no killing the otp
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-11-03
Updated: 2014-11-03
Packaged: 2018-02-23 22:35:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,734
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2558183
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/karasunotsubasa/pseuds/karasunotsubasa
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Hinata is a witness to the death of both his grandma and his grandpa, and death, like nothing else, leaves scars on the mind. Scars that are hidden, invisible in daylight, but which crack and burn at night, a heavy reminder of the past fears and terrors.</p>
            </blockquote>





	the scars we bear

**Author's Note:**

> for those who are not familiar with the acronym EMS - and no, it's not the shipping one - it stands for Emergency Medical Services, basically the ambulance guys  
> also, there is no canon age for natsu yet, right? so in this story she's 8 years younger than hinata, do the math

Human psyche is a strange, unfathomable thing. For some, killing an innocent stranger means nothing, as if it was only an animal they were taking the life of. For others though, witnessing a loved one's death is worse than anything imaginable, leaving a scar that never truly disappears. It might fade away with time, but only the smallest of triggers is enough to bring it back to the forefront of the mind and let the fear work its course. And fear makes people do peculiar things, as Shouyou has learned.

He was never really close with his father. The man left them soon after Natsu was born, when he was eight, too young to understand the severity of what was happening, but old enough to know it was for the better. They tried to stay in touch, he believed it was his mother's effort to keep the father figure around as his guide, but it never worked out how they hoped. After a series of missed 'daddy dates' the thick disappointment turned into resignation, and later into indifference, which stopped them from trying altogether.

Shouyou would be lying if he said he didn't miss his father back then, but he would never say it in front of his mother. She was the strongest, most radiant and hard working woman he knew till this day. She worked overtime to earn enough money as a single mother to raise two kids. Shouyou helped as he could: he took care of Natsu, learned how to cook, cleaned the house and did the laundry. Anything to lessen their mother's burden. But even that wasn't enough, and barely tying two ends together they were forced to move in with their grandparents.

It was much easier on their mother, the 11 year old Shouyou noticed then, as the woman gradually started smiling more and more. She could finally rest properly, and even Shouyou has found some time for himself. It was also then, when he first saw the Small Giant and fell in love with volleyball. For a time he was happy there, entertaining Natsu after school, helping his grandparents around the house if needed, and playing in the yard with a volleyball, until the day he would be able to join a proper club. Everything was going great, and he couldn’t possibly imagine how anything could ever change. Until one night.

He didn’t know what woke him up, maybe it was a gut feeling, or maybe the noise, but he rubbed his eyes sleepily and left his warm bed, stumbling down the stairs to the living room. The lights were still on, as they were every night at this hour, and the soft sound of the TV hummed in the background. Coming closer, Shouyou could hear his mother’s voice, upset and broken, as if she was about to cry. He opened the door, and blinked in confusion at the scene inside.

Grandma was laying on the floor, her face – white, apart from the blue stains around her lips and eyes – calm as if she was sleeping. Kneeling over her was grandpa, who was touching her with a trembling hand, and Shouyou could see how his face squinted in pain, large teardrops rolling down his cheeks. His mother was a few steps away, animatedly taking over the phone. Every now and then she raised her free hand to wipe angrily at her face, and Shouyou noticed that she was crying too.

Shouyou gripped the doorframe in his small hands. He was scared. Why were they crying? Why wasn’t grandma moving? He knew she was sick, this illness when she couldn’t breathe properly at times, he couldn’t remember the name, but it wasn’t really serious, was it?

‘Mom…?’ he asked, unsure of what to do with himself.

The woman finally got off the phone, turned to grandpa and said, ‘They’ll be here in 10 minutes.’ Shouyou noticed how they both seemed to tense up, but then his mother grabbed him and hugged him tight. He could feel the slight tremble of her shoulders and the fast beating of her heart, and it did nothing to quench his fear. The clock on the wall behind him ticked the passing seconds. After what seemed to be a few minutes, but in reality could be no more than one, his mother backed off slightly, putting her hands on Shouyou’s shoulders.

‘Listen to me, Shou-chan,’ she said, and her voice shook audibly, but she tried to sound calm and collected. ‘I want you to go up to your sister’s room and stay with her tonight, okay?’

‘Okay,’ Shouyou nodded, trying to glance past his mother to look at grandma one more time. ‘What’s happening to grandma though? Is she alright?’

‘She’s going to be fine, you don’t need to worry,’ the woman smiled, but it wasn’t her usual smile. It looked scarily similar to the ones she used to send him right after dad left. The feeling of dread built up in Shouyou’s stomach.

They hugged again, and his mother kissed his head before turning back into the room. Slowly, Shouyou made his way up the stairs, but something told him to linger behind. He hid behind the corner at the top of the stairs and waited. A few minutes passed, and then there was a knock to the door, Shouyou leaned out a bit to see his mother running to open it wide and let in some people wearing blue shirts and red-white vests.

_Paramedics_ , Shouyou’s mind supplied.

He watched as they rushed into the living room, and suddenly he knew. His mother lied. It won’t be fine. He swallowed thickly and waited, too scared to move. He didn’t know how long he sat there, his body covered in a weird type of sweat that had nothing to do with heat, but growing cold in the night’s chill nonetheless. He could hear some noises and voices from the room below, but it was too far away for him to distinguish the words.

Finally, after nearly half an hour, the door to the living room opened again, and the medics came out, followed by his mother. She closed the door behind them and stood like that for a long while. Shouyou could hear her soft sobs in the quiet of the hall.

He knew what happened then… He jumped to his feet and ran to Natsu’s room, closing the door behind himself quietly, as if afraid to disturb his mother and grandpa. He wanted to cry too, but somehow, no tears came to his eyes.

‘Whaddup?’ came a drowsy voice from the bed.

‘Nothing, we’re just having a sleepover,’ Shouyou said, stepping closer. He felt cold, his hands, feet, lips and nose. But his cold was probably nothing with how cold grandma must have been… ‘Move over a bit,’ he told Natsu, and then crawled under the covers, snuggling into his sister’s warmth.

He thought he wouldn’t be able to sleep, but as soon as he closed his eyes, the shock and the nerves took him in, turning his mind off, and he floated away.

It was quiet in the whole house for the next few days, even Natsu seemed to fall into the mood, though she didn’t understand much of what was happening. Everything seemed to go as normal, they woke up, went to school, ate breakfast, lunch and dinner, but the heavy atmosphere and the lack of their usual laughter pierced through their minds louder than a scream, leaving them exhausted more than usual.

Shouyou often saw his mother wiping her eyes secretly, and grandpa… He just stayed in his room, day and night, picking at his food as if it was the least of the things he felt like doing. Shouyou wanted to help somehow, but having no idea what to do, he did the only thing possible – he took care of Natsu.

The funeral was three days after that night. Shouyou remembered well how the sun shone happily over their heads as they made their way to the temple. He remembered the choking smell of the incense and the low chants of the priest. He and Natsu weren’t allowed to look into the casket, he supposed it was their mother’s way of protecting them, and he couldn’t say he minded that. The image of grandma’s white face and strikingly blue lips was still fresh in his mind.

When they finally left, he breathed in the fresh air, for the first time since grandma died feeling the fog lying around his head lifting.

It took weeks for Shouyou to get back to normal, to laugh at Natsu, and to actually feel the joy coming from it. For his mother and grandpa it took more than that, but he knew it was only natural. Days of quiet and lethargic mourning turned into weeks of sighing and lost gazes, which in turn morphed into months of cautious re-establishing of boundaries.

And when the first anniversary of grandma’s death came to pass, the Hinata family was once again how it used to be – a happy place, bursting with joy, warmth and laughter.

 

* * *

 

Years passed and Shouyou forgot about the shock and nerves, about the heavy atmosphere of the house in mourning, about the strikingly white face of his grandma. In his memory, she was always the same woman with wrinkled, rosy cheeks and a warm smile at hand. His mind pushed away the echoes of fear and pain, and buried them underneath layers of happiness, laughter and all the good times they shared. So with a free of any burdens mind, Shouyou entered his first year in high school.

The first months Shouyou spent at Karasuno were probably the fondest of his memories. He played volleyball, with a real team, a real setter, in a real gym. He wasn’t the best of players, and they lost a lot of matches, but that only fired him up, and – luckily for him – the same could be said about his teammates. Especially Kageyama.

Having a rival wasn’t something Shouyou thought much about, but when they raced to the clubroom – fighting teeth and nail to get there first, and he grabbed the back of Kageyama’s shirt to slow him down, his gut wrenching with ‘I will not lose to you!’ feeling – he was actually glad they met. For all the differences, Kageyama shared his passion, and it wasn’t hard to let himself be drawn in by the other’s tempo.

Just as they couldn’t stand still on the court, their relationship was ever-changing. It morphed and twisted; from rivals to teammates, to tentative friends, then to closer friends, and Shouyou was positive that this wasn’t the end of it yet. He recognized his feelings for what they were, and if the growing fondness inside his heart for his grumpy teammate was anything to go by, he would assume there was something akin to that in Kageyama’s own. For the time being though, he let it lie low. Neither of them were ready to act on these stripes of feelings, not yet. So he kept quiet, simply enjoying the challenge Kagyeama always presented.

That Thursday was a day like usual: morning training, classes, afternoon training, picking Natsu up from school and coming home. And like usual on every Thursday, their mother had the afternoon shift in the shop she worked at and would be home late in the evening, which left them to fend for themselves. It was much like when they still lived in their old flat, but at least now, grandpa took care of the house chores, so Shouyou could devote that part of his time to volleyball.

The house was dark, with only the living room light on, and Shouyou knew grandpa was watching that documentary he liked so much. They got their shoes off in the entryway, and Natsu skipped upstairs to leave her backpack in her room, while Shouyou pushed open the door to the living room.

‘Grandpa, we’re back!’ he called.

He supposed he’d find the man on the couch, as he usually did, so when this time grandpa was not in sight, Shouyou frowned. He went back to the hall and entered the kitchen. Again, he stepped through the door and found no one inside. Did grandpa go out somewhere? It was possible, but wouldn’t he normally turn off the TV first? And leave a note? Shouyou wondered.

He was about to leave, when his eyes coincidentally swept the floor to glance past one of grandpa’s legs, which was sticking from behind the kitchen counter. His bag dropped from his shoulder with a loud thud, but Shouyou was frozen in shock, his breath catching in his throat. It passed a second later, with wild heartbeat pumping blood through his veins so hard, he could hear the deafening thumps in his ears, cold sweat making him sticky with nerves, and throat clenching in fear. Then, he moved.

‘Natsu!’ he screamed at the top of his lungs, and he could hear the raw panic in his own voice.

He didn’t know what he was doing, he really didn’t. He kneeled next to the man and turned him face up, his hands shaking all the while. A dry sob left his mouth when he saw grandpa’s face. Sudden memory from long, long ago knocked the breath out of him. It looked just like grandma’s, just like that night when he was 11. Stark white with violet-blue lips, dark circles under the eyes, and a nest of tiny blue veins around his nose, a sharp contrast with the lack of colour on his cheeks. Shouyou swallowed the panic and leaned down to check his breathing.

Through the noise of his own heart, he couldn’t hear a thing and his body was too tense to feel the slight breeze that should be coming from grandpa’s mouth, if he was breathing. Instead of checking again, he fished his phone from the pocket of his jersey. Time was of the essence here, every second counted. He tried to dial the number for the EMS, but his fingers trembled so much, he kept pushing the wrong buttons. He cursed vehemently under his breath.

‘Onii-chan?’ he looked up, and saw Natsu’s terrified face, mirroring his own fear.

‘Call mom,’ he said, and this time he was glad that his voice shook a little less. ‘Tell her grandpa collapsed and she has to come home.’

Then he turned to his phone again, and this time he managed to dial the right number. There was a beep and another, and Shouyou’s mind spun with nerves and fear. _Pick up, pick up_ , he repeated silently, looking everywhere but at grandpa.

Finally, someone answered his prayers.

‘It’s my grandfather-’ he started and on the same breath: ‘He collapsed- I- I don’t think he’s breathing- Please send someone over.’

‘Calm down, please,’ came a calm voice from the other end of the line, which to Shouyou’s ears sounded almost bored. ‘How old is your grandfather?’

‘I...’ What? What did it matter now? ‘I don’t remember… 83, I think.’

‘And does he suffer from some illness?’ Another question that made Shouyou’s mind cry out at the pointless waste of time.

‘Oh god, I don’t know,’ his desperation must have shown in his voice, and he felt the tears coming to his eyes. He couldn’t think properly. He supposed there might have been some pills grandpa was taking rather regularly, but he couldn’t remember what for.

‘Very well, your address, please?’ And after Shouyou stumbled through it in one breath: ‘I’m sending the ambulance your way, it should be there in 5 minutes.’

‘Please hurry,’ he managed to get before the line disconnected and the silence of the house rang in his ears.

He carelessly put his phone away, and leaned closer to grandpa. He touched his hand, and he couldn’t tell if it was warm, or if his own was so cold from fear and nerves that the temperature made no difference to him. The worst panic subsided, Shouyou could feel the sobs that tried to wreck his body calm under the surface. He couldn’t do anything but wait, and this thought somehow enveloped him in an imaginary safety jacket, warming him up, if only a bit.

The door behind him screeched in the quiet of the house and Shouyou turned to see Natsu there, tiny and scared, even more than he was all those years back when he saw grandma in the same predicament. He got up from his knees and hugged her close, hoping that everything would turn alright.

Minutes passed, and finally, _finally_ , there was a knock on the front door. Shouyou rushed out and opened it, ushering everyone inside and gesturing the way to the kitchen. Once there, he hugged Natsu again, hiding her face in his chest. It’d be better if she didn’t see this… He himself felt all kinds of sick as he watched the medics put a tube inside grandpa’s mouth, some weird robot-like machine violently pumping his chest up and down in an effort to keep his heart beating. And even more so, when the medics started talking casually, one even picked up a call from his wife. To be honest, Shouyou was stunned at how little they cared about the man lying between them.

‘Was your grandfather sick the past few days?’ one of the medics asked, and Shouyou welcomed the distraction, turning his eyes over to him.

‘I-I think so,’ he said uncertainly. ‘He was coughing a bit, but he insisted he was fine, so we didn’t go  to see a doctor.’

‘He has fluid in his lungs,’ the medic continued, nodding, and showing him the bottle he kept pressing rhythmically to push air into the tube in grandpa’s mouth. There was a strange looking, pinkish in colour, foamy liquid inside it. It made Shouyou shiver uncomfortably. ‘It was probably accumulating there for days, and today he choked.’

Shouyou’s arms tightened around Natsu, and she clang to him with all her might. God, he didn’t want to know that… He closed his eyes, wishing for all of it to disappear. But it didn’t.

As he kneeled there on the hard wooden floor, holding Natsu close, his mind was split in half. Part of it was panicking and crying, full of fear and despair. The other part though, even if shaken just as much as the first, tried to reason with his emotions. It tried to keep his head cool, logical, calculative. Death is only natural, all living things, even humans, have to die some day. And grandpa was already old. It’s not a big deal, it seemed to say, don’t feel – think.

Somehow, as his breathing calmed down after the medics started resuscitation, the reality downed on him. The logical part was right, it was normal, those things happened all the time. People die. He felt his mind clear up slightly, but the lingering shakiness of his feelings was still nearby the surface. Whenever he got too close, he could feel his throat tighten, hands sweat, and tears fill his eyes. So he pushed it all away. He couldn’t allow himself to be emotional. Their mother wasn’t there and he had to protect Natsu. Everything depended on him.

‘Was your grandfather your legal guardian?’ the only woman in the team asked, after some minutes passed.

‘No,’ Shouyou said, looking up from where he lay his chin on Natsu’s head. ‘Our mother is. She’s at work, but we called her a while back so she should be here soon.’

The woman smiled what she thought to be a reassuring smile – which did not do what it was intended to either way – and nodded.

‘We’ll wait until she comes, then.’

They sat like that, tense and waiting, for the next few minutes, and then the medics turned off the robot-machine. The woman took out the tube from grandpa’s mouth, while the other two men busied themselves with tidying up the scene of the used adrenaline shots and IVs.

‘I’m calling the time of death, 28th of March, Thursday, 6:49pm,’ the woman said, checking briefly her watch.

Shouyou froze. It was over. It actually happened. Again. He remembered grandma’s face, the stark paleness of her skin, and the image overlapped with grandpa’s face, sharing the same whiteness and violet-blue of their drained of blood lips. He closed his eyes, hugging Natsu closer, the unwanted tears filling up his eyes again. He didn’t want to cry. He had to be strong. But…

It was then that their mother burst through the door, winded and gasping for breath, but halted in the kitchen entrance, a short cry escaping her lips at the scene inside. She covered her mouth, eyes glued to the motionless figure of her father. It must have been painful, Shouyou thought, and a tame on his feelings broke. It was painful, for his mother, for Natsu, even for him. They were a family, it touched them all.

‘Mom…’ he said, and his voice was so broken, hoarse and pitiful, that he wanted to cry even more.

The woman turned to him, Shouyou could see how her eyes changed from shocked disbelief into apologetic sorrow, and she quickly stepped over, enveloping both of them in a tight hug. Shouyou inhaled her familiar scent, the tears he’s been holding in for so long, finally finding their way out. He wanted to bawl like a child, whine how scared he was, how he couldn’t do a thing, but the shower of kisses their mother bestowed on both their heads stopped him. He did all he could, she was proud. And that, like nothing else, brought peace to his heart at the time.

It was later that night that Shouyou curled up in his bed and let all the sobs out. His whole body trembled with helpless hiccups, the logical part of his mind losing to the emotions. He tried to stop, hold back, telling himself that real men don’t cry, but whenever he closed his for a moment dry of tears eyes, he saw overlapping images of grandma and grandpa’s deathly white faces, and the painful cycle started all over again.

And finally, exhausted by the nerves and with head pounding from the constant crying, he fell asleep. But it was a sleep short and full of terrors.

 

* * *

 

With their mother’s silent approval, all three of them stayed at home the next three days. Shouyou could see how hard grandpa’s death hit her. She probably didn’t sleep at all, judging by the dark circles under her eyes, which were also red and puffy – a clear sign she had been crying. He offered to go with her to the temple to take care of the funeral work, just so she wouldn’t be alone, but she declined with the smallest of smiles and asked him to take care of his sister. He only nodded and watched her go, the slump of her shoulders a clear indication of how vulnerable she must have felt.

The worry never left him. He thought of calling Kageyama to make him relay to the team that he won’t be there for a while, but he didn’t know what to tell him. How do you spring something like that on someone? Was he supposed to call and just say ‘Hi, so my grandpa died and I need a break from the club’? It sounded insensitive, and Shouyou had the feeling it’d only make everyone worry more. So he decided to leave it as was. If it ever came up, he’d explain, if not…

To be honest, he didn’t even want to play right now. He was sleep deprived, haunted by the nightmares of grandpa’s cold, deathly white face and how he lay there on the kitchen floor, helpless and immobile. Shouyou felt the exhaustion of his body reach deep into the bones, and he probably would have slumped on the couch, if it wasn’t for Natsu.

She has always been a smart child, mature for her age, but the levelheadedness she presented now was more shocking than ever. She didn’t laugh as much, keeping to the quiet mourning air of the house, but she didn’t look lost either. From time to time her eyes would glaze over when she spotted a board game she and grandpa used to play together, or a drawing on the fridge that still included the four of them, but she quickly wiped her eyes, face set hard. Shouyou supposed it was her way of saying ‘Don’t worry about me, I’ll be fine on my own. I can take care of myself.’ Yet instead of chasing away his worry, it made him even more concerned. Especially since he knew she cried herself to sleep every night, until mom came to gently stroke her head.

He was glad they had these few days off. He could get the shock and nerves out of his system, and staying around Natsu all day helped them both to realize that even though grandpa was gone, they weren’t alone. They still had each other, always willing to lend a hand.

The funeral was a small affair. Most of their family lived around the country and weren’t able to attend, so only the closest friends and a few daring neighbours came to pay their respects. There wasn’t much crying, the majority of the people were as old as grandpa, and for them death was something obvious, something they have already accepted as the natural flow of time. And Shouyou supposed it was. There was a time for everyone to die, and only that thought alone kept him from letting the tears flow.

He didn’t remember much of grandma’s funeral, it was so long ago his memory has faded into unclear bits and pieces, but standing in front of grandpa’s casket, he slowly started remembering. The ceremony didn’t change much throughout the years, the suffocating smell of the incense and low hum of the priest’s chants still made his head pound.

This time, however, he was allowed to look into the casket. Shouyou wasn’t sure he wanted to, but when he got closer, he realized that he did. Slowly, with care, he put his and Natsu’s flowers on grandpa’s chest and stood back to look at his peaceful form. He looked as if he was sleeping, the make up slightly colouring his cheeks and nose, covering up the net of ugly veins that marred it before. Shouyou almost expected him to open his eyes at one point, but he didn’t, and Shouyou backed off to where Natsu and his mother were sitting with a grim feeling that this was it, the final goodbye. Soon after, it was over.

As they were leaving the temple, Shouyou felt the vibrations of his phone inside one of his pockets and with mild curiosity, he flipped it open. It was a text from Kageyama, something Shouyou has been expecting for a while now, asking why he was absent from practice.

_I need a break_ , he typed and there was only a few seconds pause before he got a reply:

_You need a break from volleyball? Are you sick or something?_

Shouyou sighed. He loved volleyball, he still did. But his body was exhausted, and he wasn’t sure he could jump as he used to, even if he tried. Yet instead of making Kageyama worry about that, he answered with:

_Yeah, something like that. I should be fine after getting some rest. Say sorry to the team for me?_

_Of course I will, dumbass. Just get yourself back into shape, we need you._

Shouyou hid a small smile behind his hand, flipping his phone shut. Overall, he felt like shit and didn’t want to crawl out of bed for years, but somehow… Somehow Kageyama’s ‘we need you’ sounded more like ‘ _I_ need you’ and Shouyou’s heart stirred in response. It always did to Kageyama.

 

* * *

 

After the funeral, all three of them had to go back to their lives, there was no escape from that. Shouyou noticed their mother’s worried looks, but he smiled reassuringly at her when she asked him if it was okay for him to pick Natsu up from school. It was. He didn’t plan on going to practice either way.

It might have seemed strange, but Shouyou couldn’t wait to leave the house. He still didn’t sleep off the exhaustion, but he couldn’t sit there doing nothing anymore. He wanted to move, to get on his bike and pedal to school. Meet other people, talk to someone, anyone, without thinking of grandpa. He still couldn’t pull off the usual hyper energy he used to exhibit, but just being with people was good enough for now.

The whole day of classes passed without him seeing anyone from the club. And no wonder he didn’t, as he sat in his seat through all the breaks, either looking out the window, or idly talking to his neighbours. He missed his friends, missed Kageyama’s grumpiness and the obnoxious, but comforting volume of Tanaka and Noya at his back. But for now… for now this was good enough.

A few days passed like this, and step by step Shouyou got back into the school rhythm. The same could be said about Natsu, he noticed, relieved. Their mother was still a bit shaken up, but on the right path, and slowly, all was going back to how it was before.

Or that’s what Shouyou thought.

There was nothing special about the night that Shouyou noticed the peculiar thing, he seemed to be doing for a while now without any conscious thought to it. Feeling thirsty, he got out of bed in the early morning hours, and stumbled down the stairs stretching and yawning, the sleep still heavily clinging to him. After drinking two glasses of water, he walked back up, but on his way to his room, his eyes wandered to the open door to their mother’s room. Ever since grandpa died, she always slept with it slightly ajar, probably controlling what was happening in the house.

Shouyou stepped closer, and quietly pushed it further. It was dark inside, as should be, and very quiet, only the ticking of the alarm clock on the nightstand breaking the silence. Somehow Shouyou’s mind focused on how quiet it was, and… wasn’t it too quiet? It was almost as if there was no one inside, no movement, no breathing, nothing…

He felt his pulse quicken, but instead of subjecting to panic, he glued his eyes to the motionless, dark figure on the bed. Was mom’s chest moving? Was she breathing? He directed all his senses, sharpened the hearing, fixed the eyesight, and yes, she was. There was a slight movement of the sheets right where it fell down her back, and Shouyou breathed out the momentary stress that stiffened his body. He tiptoed out of the room, closing the door after himself, but still leaving the little opening, just as it was before.

And then he stopped in the corridor, for the first time realizing what it was that he did. He didn’t think much of it before, it seemed normal that he stopped in to check on his mother and sister when they were asleep and he wasn’t. But that day, after that one moment of panic when his mind involuntarily reminded him of how he found grandpa, he caught himself thinking about what would he do if something like that ever happened to mom or Natsu. The more logical part of him knew that it won’t, Natsu was still a child, too young to have lung problems, and mom wasn’t that old either. But Shouyou’s sense of tranquillity was broken, and the rest of the night he spent staring up at his ceiling, head spinning from the abundance of thoughts.

An experience as powerful as death was sure to leave its mark on his mind, he was aware of that. And now, he also knew what that scar was. He thought of telling his mother about it, but quickly abandoned that idea. She would probably be worried about him, more than she already was, maybe even sent him to therapy – and that he most certainly didn’t want. He didn’t think it was such a big deal, he was only… what? Making sure that everything was fine and all of them were safe. There was nothing wrong with that, right?

And when the logical side of his mind didn’t question him further, Shouyou smiled a tiny victorious smile, as if he had just won an argument – and as a matter of fact he did, one with himself – then turned to the side and for the first time in a long while slept soundly through his morning alarm, free of any lingering fears or nightmares.

 

* * *

 

When Shouyou locked his bike in the parking lot the next day, he was almost humming with happiness. The exhaustion and the grim mood that clang to him the past few weeks were nearly gone, leaving him light and positive. He started sleeping well and even got back his wolfish appetite, which somehow brought a smile to his mother’s face every now and then. As he left the house earlier that morning, pedalling through the mountains at a steady pace, he thought that maybe, maybe it was finally the time to go back to playing volleyball. And before he got to school, his mind was already made up.

The classes that usually dragged, seemed to fly by, as Shouyou looked at the world around him with newly found peace. He still remembered the horror of that Thursday when grandpa died, but sitting in the sunlit classroom with other people, joking and laughing, being young and happy, it seemed like a bad dream, blurry and unclear. And the more time Shouyou spent at school, the more transparent the images of grandpa’s deathly white face became.

That was also the day when Shouyou, for the first time since grandpa died, felt excited about something. He has already decided to go to practice tomorrow, he will finally see his teammates, who he had been avoiding up till now, and more importantly – he will finally get to spike Kageyama’s toss. He was bursting with some long withheld glee and fought the most ridiculous urge to giggle, as he changed his shoes after class. He was going back. Finally.

Shouyou turned around, ready to leave, when suddenly someone stepped right into his personal space, so close, his nose nearly touched their chest. Blinking in surprise, he took a step back and strained his neck to look at this giants face, but what he was met with startled him yet again.

‘Kageyama,’ he said as a way of greeting. They haven’t seen each other for a few weeks, and meeting like this was clearly not a coincidence.

‘Why haven’t you come to practice if you feel well enough to come back to school?’ the other teen asked, and Shouyou heard that almost inaudible hint of worry in his voice that he might have missed if he wasn’t so used to Kageyama’s ways.

‘I told you I needed a break,’ he sighed, looking away. ‘Even if I had come to practice, I’d be useless, the way I was these past few weeks.’

‘What the hell does that mean?’ Kageyama’s anger flared, and Shouyou felt the answering passion wake up inside him.

‘Do you think I wanted to pass on volleyball?! Do you think this was fun for me?! Do you think I wanted-‘ _my grandpa to die…_

He stopped, breathing heavily. He didn’t know where this sudden outburst was coming from, but he knew Kageyama didn’t deserve any of it. So he calmed himself the best he could, and only then rose his head again to meet the other’s gaze.

‘Look, it doesn’t matter, I’m all better now,’ he said, and seeing how the anger started pouring through Kagyeama’s dark eyes, he followed up with: ‘In fact I’m probably gonna join practice tomorrow.’

The piercing blue orbs narrowed at him, and for a second Shouyou thought Kageyama would smack him on the head like he used to do before, but Kageyama only looked at him. For a long time. Finally, he turned away, and without even glancing over his shoulder, said quietly:

‘We’ve missed you.’ And he ran away, probably to practice.

Shouyou stared after him, struck in place by the sudden pleasant tingling all over his body, while his mind played ‘we’ve missed you’ on repeat. He knew, deep down, that it was the same ‘we’ as the one he heard from Kageyama before. The ‘we’ that felt more like ‘I’.

The giddy feeling of having been missed warmed him up, and when he finally left the school building out into the cold of the winter afternoon, he didn’t even feel the change in temperature. Just the thought that Kageyama wanted him back, that Kageyama was worried about him, told him that he made the right choice to come back.

Shouyou smiled into his scarf. It was the time to move on.

 

* * *

 

22 year old Shouyou startled awake. He sat up in the warm bed, the covers falling down to his hips, as the cold of the night chilled the skin on his bare chest and back. Running a hand through his tangled hair, he breathed deeply to clear his mind. It’s been years since he had last dreamed of grandpa and grandma’s deaths.

Why now, he wondered, but couldn’t find any explanation.

Deciding to go back to sleep, he grabbed the covers, but instead of the familiar warmth, he touched something cold, something that sent shivers down his spine. He turned to the side, expecting to see Kageyama’s peacefully sleeping form, but what he saw instead was his deathly white face, with violet-blue lips and open, dull eyes, which got no shine, no life to them.

Shouyou screamed.

 

* * *

 

And he almost screamed awake. A choked cry died on his lips, as he snapped his eyes open. The rational part of his mind tried to reason with his palpitating heart, and slowly, slowly he brought it under control. It was just a dream, he told himself. Just a dream…

He turned to look at Kageyama, who as in the nightmare before was right next to him. His face looked normal in the moonlight and when Shouyou touched him tentatively, his skin was warm and inviting. If he listened close, he could hear the soft whisper of Kageyama’s breath, which quenched the panic that had already arouse in Shouyou’s stomach.

He shuffled closer to his boyfriend, so close he could feel the ghost of air he was breathing out on his forehead. He raised his hand and put it over Kageyama’s chest, in the final test, just to be sure.

Wounds on the body heal with time, the pain disappears along with the very memory of them, leaving nothing but a faint scar. Wounds on the mind, however, although healed, never really vanish. They come back to haunt you in a moment of weakness, full of helpless fear and loneliness. And even if you try to tell yourself that it isn’t real, your psyche is still blemished with the past, unable to forget.

Shouyou closed his eyes and focused on the even beating of Kageyama's heart underneath the palm of his hand. Reassured, he released the breath he didn’t even realize he was holding. The tension in his muscles dissipated, only a slight ache in the crook of his neck pulsing as a residual reminder of his fear. Kageyama stirred slightly, and one of his warm arms came to rest at Shouyou’s back, a new sense of calm filling him and pacifying his heart.

Forgetting pain is never easy, but defensive reflexes of human mind can push it away. The fear though, will lurk around the back of your head, latch onto everything it can, and surface when you least expect it. Some might say that fighting it is pointless. But when you have something precious you wish to hold dear to you forever, it is a challenge worth facing.

Lulled by Kageyama's slow breathing, Shouyou let his mind wander free of restraints, and soon he fell back asleep with a small smile playing on his lips. He was safe, he was alright.

They both were.

 

* * *

END

* * *

 

**Author's Note:**

> this was a kind of self reflection piece aimed at idek, healing or something like that tho I'm not sure I need it but w/e  
> so ye, basically I'm hinata and after my grandpa died, that's what I do in my spare time, check my mom's and dog's breathing bc apparently I'm scared that they'll die when I'm not there or something; and then one night before falling asleep I had a thought, 'woa- wouldn't it be fun to have hinata do this too' and that's how this fic was created idk don't ask me my mind's a scary place


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